


Brewer Birthday (Non)Bombardments for Budd

by grapehyasynth



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Presents, Epistolary, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Mild trolling, POV Patrick Brewer, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapehyasynth/pseuds/grapehyasynth
Summary: It's Stevie's birthday and Patrick has promised to be low-key about it. He MOSTLY sticks to that promise.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer & Stevie Budd, Patrick Brewer/David Rose (background) - Relationship, Stevie Budd & David Rose
Comments: 39
Kudos: 166





	Brewer Birthday (Non)Bombardments for Budd

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Januarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Januarium/gifts).



> Happy birthday Januarium!!! Yes, I have decided, for the purposes of this fic, that Stevie shares your birthday.
> 
> Many thanks to yourbuttervoicedbeau for saving me on the texting. Admittedly, a lot of the code I had was from Januarium to begin with, so congrats on gifting yourself?

Stevie walks into the cafe in her puffy winter coat, takes one look at Patrick sitting alone in a booth with a wrapped present on the table in front of him, and spins back around, heading for the door.

Patrick laughs and scrambles out of the booth to catch her before she makes it outside. “Stevie, please don’t go.”

She follows him back to the booth reluctantly and slides onto the bench while eyeing the present like it’s a ticking bomb. “You said we weren’t going to do this.”

“Oh, so you _don’t_ want your birthday present, then.” Patrick nods seriously and starts to move the gift off the table.

Stevie’s hands shoot out and she snatches the box from him. “Since it’s already here.”

“This is it, I promise,” he tells her as she undoes the bow with more care than he would’ve expected from her. “No surprise party, no singing, no sentimentality. Just one friend giving another friend a gift for her birthday.”

She gives him a look but then she’s lifting the top off the box and taking out the red knit hat inside. She studies it for a moment, fingers kneading a little at the edges. “This is a very nice hat.”

Patrick shrugs. One of their vendors had made it at Patrick’s request, but he’s promised not to make a big deal of Stevie’s birthday, so he just agrees, “It’s a good hat. Should keep your head warm.”

Her fingers clench on the ball at the top of the hat. “What’s going on with you? Why are you being so weird?”

“I’m not being weird!” he laughs. “Just be glad I didn’t let David chime in on this gift. He’d tell us both the shade of red will clash with your flannel.”

“Well, he’d be right,” Stevie says, widening her eyes. “You really missed the mark on that one, Patrick.” Still, she doesn’t put the hat back in the box, which Patrick knows people tend to do when they’re not thrilled by a gift. “This is really it, though? I’m safe now? No more Brewer Birthday Bombardments?”

“Unless you _want_ me to sing,” Patrick offers. “It _is_ the first birthday of yours that I’m celebrating, so if you want me to go big, I can go big.”

Stevie blanches. “Oh god no.” Grabbing her bag and the hat - and leaving the wrapping for him to clean up, he notes - she clambers out of the booth. “This has already been enough excruciating focus than I can handle. I’m just glad you decided to forgo a giant cookie cake.”

“I respect your wishes, Stevie. Happy birthday.” He spreads his arms like he’s going to hug her.

“Gross. Bye!”

Patrick’s just finished his omelette and tea when the texts start to arrive.

**iMessage:** Stevie Budd   
  
**December 21** 9:10AM   
**Stevie:** what did you promise david in order to get him to give me that wine   
  
**Patrick:** I don’t know what you’re talking about    
  
**Stevie:** patrick    
**Stevie:** david has tried to overcharge me for wine every single day since you opened    
**Stevie:** and yet he just gave me a case   
**Stevie:** a CASE   
**Stevie:** for FREE    
  
**Patrick:** Aww that’s nice of him   
  
**Patrick:** What a sweet thing for him to do for his friend on her birthday   
  
**Stevie:** we both know you were behind this so you can stop pretending   
  
**Patrick:** David says you look very cute in your hat   
  
**Patrick:** But I think you’re supposed to wash new clothes before you wear them   
  
**Stevie:** that’s not a thing   
  
**Patrick:** It’s definitely a thing   
  
**Patrick:** I’m glad you like it so much that you had to wear it immediately, though.   
  
**Stevie:** stop bothering me or i’ll take this hat off and wash it in the winter sludge on the side of the road    
  


**iMessage:** Stevie Budd   
  
**December 21** 9:59AM   
**Stevie:** why the fuck are ted and alexis changing the sheets at the motel   
  
**Patrick:** I don’t know, why are they?    
  
**Patrick:** I feel like you’re setting up a punchline    
**Patrick:** To get to the other side?    
**Stevie:** don’t try to distract me    
**Stevie:** this is your doing isn’t it   
**Patrick:** Please. As if I could get Alexis to do anything   
  
**Stevie:** and mr. rose telling me to take the rest of the day off   
  
**Stevie:** that was also you i’m guessing?    
  
**Stevie:** no offense to mr. rose but i was expecting, like, an etch a sketch and a car seat for a baby    
  
**Stevie:** so his ability to actually give me something i want makes me suspect outside involvement    
  
**Patrick:** Maybe he finally picked up on all the hints you’re always dropping   
  
**Patrick:** About not wanting to work    
  
**Patrick:** You do talk about it a lot    
  
**Stevie:**... that’s fair   
  


**iMessage:** Stevie Budd   
  
**December 21** 11:02AM   
**Stevie:** ew   
  
**Stevie:** roland just gave me a bag of weed    
  
**Patrick:** I have it on good authority that Roland and Jocelyn have the best weed in town   
**Stevie:** i know    
**Stevie:** but couldn’t you have just given it to me yourself   
**Stevie:** instead of making me having that conversation with roland   
**Patrick:** What? Stevie, I already gave you my gift   
  
**Stevie:** you expect me to believe roland just woke up this morning and thought ‘i’m going to put a half pound of weed in a baggy for my coworker’?   
  
**Patrick:** A half pound??? Jesus, Stevie    
  
**Stevie:** i didn’t say it was a BAD gift   
  


**iMessage:** Stevie Budd   
  
**December 21** 1:58PM   
**Stevie:** jake too?????    
  
**Stevie:** he just texted me ‘birthday sex?’ when we haven’t spoken in a month   
  
**Patrick:** Okay how can you possibly think I had anything to do with THAT   
**Stevie:** please   
**Stevie:** as if jake knows my birthday    
**Stevie:** i’m not entirely sure jake knows my last name   
**Stevie:** and we went to high school together    
**Patrick:** Maybe he’s been paying more attention than you thought   
  
**Stevie:** oh he pays attention   
  
**Stevie:** 😏   
  
**Patrick:** Good for you, Stevie   
  
**Stevie:** gross stop i was trying to make this weird   
  
**Patrick:** So I guess that’s your evening plans sorted, then?    
  
**Stevie:** actually   
  
**Stevie:** i scheduled jake for 4-6   
  
**Stevie:** i was wondering if you and david wanted to come over for wine and weed and pizza   
  
**Patrick:** Stevie, that’s what we did last night   
  
**Stevie:** i know   
  
**Stevie:** but it’s what i want to do for my birthday   
  
**Stevie:** and since it’s my birthday neither of you can fucking say a word about it    
  
**Patrick:** 🥺   
  
**Stevie:** 🚫   
  


3 Capybaras in a Trenchcoat   
  
**December 21** 11:16PM   
**Patrick:** STEVIEEEEE   
**Patrick:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDD! GET IT?   
**Patrick:** WE LOVE YOU STEVIEEEEE   
David   
**David:** speak for yourself patrick   
Stevie   
**Stevie:** 🖕🤢🤮⛔   
**Stevie:** i hate you both   
**Stevie:** make sure he drinks like a litre of water before he goes to bed, rose   
David   
**David:** honestly i’m hoping ray is still up and wants to deal with it    
**Patrick:** STEVIE I HOPE YOU HAD THE BEST DAY    
**Patrick:** YOU DESERVE IT    
**Patrick:** I WISH EVERYDAY WERE YOUR BIRTHDAY SO WE COULD CELEBRATE YOU ALL THE TIME    
Stevie   
**Stevie:** okay i’m turning my phone off you weirdos

It’s possible Stevie just doesn’t have another hat, but she wears the red one Patrick gave her almost every day that winter. Patrick notices, but he doesn’t comment.


End file.
